I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize