so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
