Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize