the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
