Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
nutella sex= disaster
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you had me at cake vodka
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Randomize
