I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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