I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize