I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
