may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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