Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
