you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
