no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
