Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
