The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
