I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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