Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
