last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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