Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
that may or may not have been my penis.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
