i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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