i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
