this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
