so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
