Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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