sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize