I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
