I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize