good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
