im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I understand Curling. That high.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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