We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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