ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
