I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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