Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
