He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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