My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
