Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
