I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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