I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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