i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
