you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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