Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
