I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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