I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
