Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
