Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
two words: eviction party
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I need water and some morals
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
