Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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