Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
