Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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