I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
