So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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