i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
