The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
