He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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