i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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