hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i dont even know how to be here
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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