Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
