I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Randomize