I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
