We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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