Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
