The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
