You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
