Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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