Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
