all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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