life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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