dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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