so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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