Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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