do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
