This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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