Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
