It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
